Honesty is the Best Policy?

Dear Chris,

I'm not sure how hip you are with Kant, so forgive me. The ideas I will discuss here aren't that complex, though, so it shouldn't be too much of an issue.

So, a bit after that conversation, I talked with Katie, who confirmed, in a much less arrogant manner, that I had in fact been veritably insane and in violation of societal rules in at least 5 dimensions. Besides the high frequency of my pursuits, she took main umbrage with my MO of "Speak as you wish and carry a large stick of brutal honesty". This was a perhaps unfortunate foray into an experiment in which I just spoke my mind carefully, but entirely honestly. The problem, here, seems to be that not everyone is equipped with the ability to deal with complete and total honesty and be able to function regularly, as I strive to. For example, I remember one of my campaigns which ended abruptly when I was told a direct quote from my interest was "no way". And that was fine. I dropped my suit, and continued as her friend. She didn't say it to my face, but she very well could have, and it didn't change anything. I rather have a definite, clear response. My error was that I assumed everyone would think likewise. In this I was sadly mistaken. It seems not everyone wants to hear or handle the truth, that that is not the MO at which society operates. For a variety of reasons.

Kant rears his analytic head yet again here, now with respect to lying. He said, with no exceptions, one should not lie. No exceptions. Of course, the clearest objection is the "Hiding Jews in the attic when the Nazis come a-searching" example, but I would rather ignore extremes for now and look at application.

A less concrete example is what you say to the dreaded question "Do these pants make me look fat?" Now, the worldly, conflict-avoiding answer here is "No, of course not." Now, let's assume this is a lie. So, what is the correct answer. Maybe "Yes, it does, you shouldn't wear it." Or, "Yes, it does, you should eat less and workout more if that bothers you." Or, "Yes, it does, but I think you're sexy and attractive anyway, and I don't care." In an ideal world, I think the questioner should 1) Be able to deal with any truth; and/or 2) Not care about whatever the answer in fact is. I feel like I have this kind of honesty with, among other people, you and Katie. I think that's one of the things I like about the two of you. You will tell me what you think, without regard for how I might take it. For example, one morning, when I was about to go spend the day with my mom in the city, Katie looked at me and said "You need to get a haircut." I said, jokingly "Now you're going to make me be self-conscious all day!" "Oh," she retorted, "I thought your shirt would have done that anyway." I was wearing a Hawaiian shirt that day, the nicest short-sleeved shirt I have. And, while I knew she was kidding somewhat, she was being honest at the same time. And, I appreciated it. Yes, I did need a haircut. Yes, I was wearing a shirt that was less than conventional. But, frankly, I accepted these truths and just didn't care. At a time, these things would have bothered me, and I would have preferred the not-truth. But I went through a very nice day in a very gaudy shirt with the beginnings of a mullet, and I just didn't care, and my mom didn't care.

Now, I know that not everyone can deal with that kind of honesty. Yet that's what I strive for and hope that others can accept from me. I obviously need to tone it back a little bit, perhaps be more cognizant of my audience, accept that not everyone can accept the full truth and the brutally honest conversations I try to have. Some people can't accept these truths to themselves, much less accept them from, or tell them to, me.

Honestly missing you,

Alan

Your Blessed Freedom

Dear Chris,

My dear friend. I know you are sorry. I know you will continue to be sorry. Please stop saying so. Tell me if you're not sorry. Otherwise I will just assume you are. I know there were times during the year in which we went over two weeks without really talking. Life got in the way. Life will probably get more and more in the way as the school year begins. No matter. We do what we can, sweat the rest, but are sure to take showers.

It's interesting to hear about the conservative-ness of your humor. I have found that my humor was much liberalized by coming to Yale. I have never felt comfortable with words like "retarded" or jokes regarding disabilities and the like. But I find myself humorously trading in racial stereotypes with my friends, usually around the friends of said races, although I do it with a tad of adhesion. I have had friends mention they do this because they feel that making fun of something or treating it humorously is the best way to take away any power that such rhetoric or comments can have. I am so far unconvinced, personally, as to whether or not this is fact the best. I feel personally I should perhaps try to tone down my humor, but am unsure as to this will really happen as I appear to be in a culture that delights in humourous offensiveness.

As to your blessed freedom from the angst and anxiety of searching for a relationship, I wonder how much of such anxiety is caused by being in an environment where such things are present or standard. I know this past summer was very relaxing and low key, but became less so once one of my friends began pursuing another. While I became invested in his campaign perhaps more than the average friend, I did notice a higher than usual (for that summer) thinking about relationships and their merits. At the same time, I looked with bewilderment and bemusement upon his campaign, thinking it had been a while since I embarked on such an endeavor myself (at least, an endeavor with a remote chance of victory).

At the same time, I marvel at the energy with which he waged his campaign. He reminded me that such a campaign can be a great source of energy and passion that can lead to great improvements, as you yourself mentioned not long ago to the impetus for your achievements.


But returning to my main point, I wonder if part of your blessed freedom stems from the absence of such examples in your current environment. When everyone is single and happy, it seems it would be much easier to be the same than if everyone is coupley happy while you are single.

I write with the dream of your response, and the reassurance that you bear witness to my thoughts.

-Alan

Fresh off the Echoing Walls

Dear Chris,

I give you a non-response, a conversation still fresh on my mind and being recounted right now.

During the year, as I am told, I was displaying quite irregular behavior. My functions were quite discontinuous, as I flitted from girl to girl, violating standard rules and regulations regarding the rising and falling of interest in people while insofar treating them not as ends in themselves but as means to that end. This echo of Kant resonated with me and made me question my actions, and wonder whether or not I should re-calibrate them

The proposal has been made that these discontinuities were in fact continuous on a different set of axis, which raises the question as to whether or not I was treating these interests as ends in themselves or means to a different end. Now, I can think of several ends I was pursuing, and it is reasonably true that all of them can be mainly set up with my interests as means, and not the ends.

The ends I was pursuing, was exploration. My little homunculi were not in agreement or aligned, and going all over the place. I wanted experience, not in a purely physical sense, but more in a seeing-what-is-out-there testing-the-waters how-should-I-lead-my-life kind of experience. And it could be agreed that this is using people as means to an end and not as an end in themselves. But now the question is, is this wrong?

Yes of course it is.

But it is interesting how the band judged me so, or so I am told. Quite disapproving of the muck I made, my source tells me. Now, my first response, of course, is "Fuck the band." I mean, people on an individual basis seem pretty dysfunctional to the point that I certainly try not to judge them for all their mess ups and troubles and hope that they don't pass judgement upon me. Which, I am told, they did. And fuck them, but mainly for not intervening earlier and explaining things from a different point of view.

But, the question I pose to myself, is rather if my flitting about (for I did flit about quite a bit weighing perspective interests) is whether there was anything wrong with this, or if in fact I was breaking any societal rules in doing so. Because, I am told, my flitting about was detrimental in the sense that instead of showing a gradual increase in interest in a person, I would suddenly (apparently) switch to them very strongly, and then as soon as I saw it not working, switch away just as rapidly to someone else. Now, this, I am told, violates a general rule by which potential suitors clearly see the other suitors and the ground they have marked off / the people they are pursuing, and therefore go after someone else. I think this just might be complete bullshit, but am as yet unsure.

I mean, this whole painting that was illustrated for me rests on the condition that we are completely rational beings with a completely rational basis for everything we do. Which is wrong. Because I do not currently believe that we can explain and justify away all the feelings and emotions that we have. Quite simply as that.

Thought: the importance of taste in the subconscious in a potential mate. This sounds horribly technical, so let's try again: if you don't enjoy someone's taste while making out, is this a subconscious sign that you should get out, or is it just a matter of their particular chemical makeup? Because if it's simply a matter of your subconscious disagreeing with your choice, then it makes a very good deal-breaker. However, if it is nothing more than chemicals, perhaps it can be worked out or around.


But I've noticed that is a habit I tend to get myself into. I tend to approach people very strongly, but drop them and back out very quickly if I suddenly find that there is a potential that they will become strongly dependent on me. Or I drop my intensity if I find they are not interested. Or, I simply fail to keep the same level of intensity. Now, the question is, is this a problem? Debatable. No, what am I saying. Not debatable. Totally uncalled for. I should be beat with a large stick for such transgressions. I can think of several instances in which this was the case, and I think I managed to resolve two of the three scarred friendships, but the third never recovered, nor do I think it will. But I can see that behavior back in high school, as well, being really into getting to know someone but backing the fuck off at any indication that they may become even slightly dependent, even if I've worked hard at helping them out just previously.

But, back at the event at hand. I failed to treat my interests as ends unto themselves. But what would it mean to do so? Does the way I treated you and Katie count as such? I would think it did, because I certainly came to you not necessarily for your wisdom, intelligence, and comfort, but more for the sheer enjoyment of your company. Of course, those qualities were intrinsic my enjoyment of your company. Now, was I intent on treating all my interests the same way? I mean, from a certain point of view, I was interested in all of them for their views of the world and the way they functioned in it. I was not merely looking for comfort or someone to care for: I was looking for someone to explore with, to spar with, to lead me down new uncharted (for me) paths while experiencing a sense of wonderment at the whole process as well. The question now is whether or not that constitutes as using them as means to an end or an end in themselves.

The second concern is whether or not this is really nothing more than a highly intellectualized and romanticized version of events, which bears little resemblance to the truth, or the way I actually behaved.

Also, my most recent conversationalist seemed very convinced that his Modus Operandi was the absolute correct one and it was a pity that I didn't see it and embrace it as such immediately. A slight, if not overt, touch of arrogance, to which they themselves admitted. The saying "You can take a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" says it all. It assumes a singular MO, a singular truth, a singular system by which all should meld. I do not think this is the case. The "you can't make him drink" part seems to be a condescending pitying that the poor student can't see the light. I have to reject this outright. Rather, I would prefer that this be simply a part of the puzzle that each individual is trying to solve. No one says we are going to reach the same conclusion. No one even says society with agree with your choices. My conversationalist was very clear in this regard, that the view of the masses, of the public, was most likely to be correct, as they have had a lot of practice. While I'll respect collective wisdom, every character I read in my Nietzsche and Taoism class cried out against such conformity and adhesion to society.


But, the concerns raised did resonate with me, and make me think. So they cannot be rejected outright. But now I must go into life with the question: "Am I treating this interest, or these people in general, as a means or an end in and of themselves?" Or should I? I must sleep now. Joe and I are jogging in three hours. Ah, the curse of an overactive sense of curiosity and penchant for conversation.

I will respond to your post soon, because we really should start actually responding to one another, instead of talking past each other. I would like an eventual response to all the questions I've raised, although you must know that I totally understand the necessity of living your life, and would not discourage you from that for the world.

Love, now and always,

Alan

Ends and Beginnings

Dear Alan,

It's been a long time since I've posted to our blog. I'm sorry. When I developed the concept for our blog, I was very sincere in my desire to keep our blog up-to-date, our friendship up-to-par, and my thoughts and emotions in a central location that is not my brain, which has a tendency to distort and misplace. That desire is still very much alive, though it has been eclipsed by my current life up until now and will have to remain as such for probably a good bit longer (leave Beijing Friday, 10 days of intensive teacher training in Hong Kong, then I move to my school and start teaching a few days later). Again, I'm really sorry that I've been a flake, and I feel like I've killed this blog, if not yet, than soon.

That all being said, I don't want it to come to that, so in an attempt at revival, I have a post, albeit a short one (I think...I haven't written it yet).

This summer has seen a lot of change in me. I've become much more conservative in terms of my humor (I reflected on this in a recent post of my own blog). I recently watched the first music video that I posted on my blog, the parody of "Part of Your World." In the video, I show two photos that I pulled from the Internet: one of women in the Chinese army, marching; the other was a Lego rendition of the now-(in)famous photo from Tian'anmen Square, June 1989 (which, though I didn't realize it at the time, had its 20th anniversary this year). Given the change to do it over again, I would not use these images: both are too offensive (I now think) in their own way (especially the latter, which blatantly disregards the lives lost and the moment in whose name they were lost). I also no longer feel comfortable using the word "retarded," and I no longer feel comfortable making jokes involving children in any way, really. A lot of this is regurgitated material from my blog, and I'm sorry for that, but the point is, I've changed. I've changed a fuck-ton. I'm becoming an adult.

Although, I have done some things that are pretty immature (blatantly not preparing for class/tests, going out on weeknights (like, out all night, or a very significant part of it)), but I've learned a lot from it, and I think it'll make me a better teacher: I think that I'll remember what it's like to try to balance books with life, what it's like to grow up...yes, my students' lives are different from the one that I lived, but that doesn't mean that those issues that I experience don't still play a role in their lives, and some are certainly amplified for them in a way that was never so for me (it's difficult for me to imagine being gay in China, for example...actually, come to think of it, it would probably be very similar to Alabama, so maybe not).

Anywho, these have been a few recent reflections. Other than that, I've been putting energy into Chinese (so much Zhongwen!) and pondering my curriculum (which right now may be an off-shoot of the DS concept...I'll explain more after I get through my language program, and have a chance to talk to my teaching partner and the other Fellows a bit more...basically, when I have something a bit more concrete).

In terms of relationships, I haven't really thought about it...for the first time in years (and by years, I mean since I got to Yale, possibly since I hit puberty), I'm simply not thinking about "finding someone." I'm focused on other things, and I'm really happy. The other Fellows are stellar, I'm really enjoying China (also, Chinese food = heavenly), and I'm psyched to teach/learn cello/direct/read/write/you name it. I've also recently discovered that I actually have quite a thing for astronomy and have been reading up on different subjects within the field in my free time. It's been pretty sweet. (I also recently subscribed to NOVA podcasts, as well as a couple NPR podcasts, and it's been lovely, lovely, lovely.)

Anywho, although the next few weeks are especially...um, AHHHH, I have every intention of making this blog a priority from here on out. I think we can work out our differences. Round 2?

Yours, always,

Chris

On the Roof

Dear Chris,

This post is over a week old, but here it is. Take your time in responses, for I will continue to post.

Today, I write to you from the roof of Gibbs Laboratory. After first being taken up here by a professor in February, I have always held this place in slight romantic idealization, as a place I would go to to relax and get away from it all. Only I was always to busy to do. Working in Gibbs over the summer, I was always so close. So finally, I have come. I brought a foldable lawn chair, and am sitting overlooking the city, East Rock, and ocean. It is absolutely gorgeous, and offers me a view not often available. It is quite windy here, which helps fight the heat, which I actually can't feel at all at this writing.

I find I am most primed to write late at night, when it is past my reasonable bedtime. I just don't seem to have the drive to write will sitting here peacefully on the roof. It's funny how that works, that we want to write the most when we have the least time to do so.

I think the Quality mentioned in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is very close to the passion after which we strive. Because Passion does make us more interesting people, and someone who lolls around all day (this is a word, no?) is not as interesting as someone who actually does something. But is this then Quality of Life? I mean, they say in the book (I'm sorry that I'm going on about a book that I would assume neither you nor our dear readers (Wizard People, Dear Reader is awesome, for the record. Watched it before going to see the midnight showing of the sixth movie, which was equally awesome) have read, but I think I can explain out the ideas a necessary amount) that you know quality when you see it, and I think it can be agreed to that someone who sits around all day watching TV doesn't have a very high quality life.

Why is it that we judge someone (we = me) much more harshly for spending a day watching TV or watching movies than we judge those who spend the day reading? Is it because reading is more interactive, at more of an individuals pace, leaving time for thought and reflection, while TV shows and films just whip right past us. Or is it the higher quality of books on average to TV shows? Or is it really that if I look closely I'll find that I despise people who spend the whole day doing solely one activity in such a solitary manner as that? Perhaps that is the case.

Back to Quality. You can certainly see this in day to day conversation. I think we call it being earnest, don't we? Or sincere.

But you know what I mean. Some people seem to do everything with the same calm attention and detail, and I feel like we all coalesce around such people.

Love,

Alan

This is Not a Post

Dear Alan,

I am still alive, and I am still pondering, though the things that I have been pondering have changed dramatically in the last two weeks. Unfortunately, it's been difficult for me to find time to even send worthwhile emails to friends, let alone post on this blog or my own. However, I am working on entries for both, which should be up by the end of the week. I'm sorry that's it's taken me so long.

Yours,

-cy

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenace

Dear Chris,

Like you, I have been torn between reflecting on life in this blog and living it. Usually recording such things is completely separate from the living of life, but I like to hope that by encoding this record in a letter open to the world, it somehow counts as living life, or at least eventually furthering the living of life. I should be updating daily, with little snippets of ideas. No matter now. I can promise to start tomorrow, but it is hard to be kept to such a promise. We shall see.

I just finished reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, a book I have been meaning to read and finally gained the opportunity to when Joe checked it out from the library and I stole it from him. He has On the Road, so I don't feel bad I stole it.

This book is as much about philosophy as it is about motorcycles, and it was really quite interesting. What I'd like to focus on, though, is a few passages that when I read them I jumped and said, "This is what I was talking about! Right here. This is what I meant." Every major epiphany I had last semester was here! Of course, had I read this book cold a year ago, I would have simply glossed over such things. That's why we have to live and discover them ourselves. But it's good to have some positive feedback.

Page 204 (in my edition, a black-covered utilitarian Yale copy)
"Mountains should be climbed with as little effort as possible and without desire. The reality of your own nature should determine the speed."

Page 209
"Cromwell's statement, 'No one ever travels so high as he who knows not where he is going.' applies here."


Page 291
"It was beautiful because the people who worked on it had a way of looking at things that made them do it right unselfconsciously."

Page 357
"Or if he takes whatever dull job he's stuck with-and they are all, sooner or later, dull-and, just to keep himself amused, starts to look for options of Quality, and secretly pursues these options, just for their own sake, thus making an art out of what he is doing, he's likely to discover that he becomes a much more interesting person and much less of an object to the people around him because his Quality decisions change him too. And not only the job and him, but others too because the Quality tends to fan out like waves. The Quality job he didn't think anyone was going to see is seen, and the person who sees it feels a little better because of it, and is likely to pass that feeling on to others, and in that way the Quality tends to keep on going."

Page 377
"Arete implies a respect for the wholeness or oneness of life, and a consequent dislike of specialization. It implies a contempt for efficiency-or rather a much high idea of efficiency, and inefficiency which exists not in one department of life but in life itself."

It's past my bedtime, so I'm going to let these sit in cyberspace for the world to see and then edit them with my thoughts.

I will continue to write, even if my writings become unrequited.

Love,

Alan

The Vibrancy of my Peers

Dear Chris,

I had previously thought of what I wanted to write, had a topic in mind. But I don't feel like writing about that. So I'm not going to. Instead, tonight is about what I have discussed this week with others.

I had a talk with David, in which he asked me how I would summarize my life story if I had to do it. After not-to-much thought, I told him that my life story would be first an acceptance of self, and revealing of self, and finally a search for self. Hopefully I will return to this subject.

Monday night Drum Major Dave came into town, and he visited. I thought it was interesting that one of the things he said was that he worked on the movie his year so hard because Oh-Sev would always give him a hard time about how uncohesive and lackadasical his class was, and he just wanted to show them wrong. I don't know what that says about anything, I just thought it was interesting.

I had a great discussion with Aditya today about organ donation. We agreed that it would be more just to give preferential treatment for organ transplants to people signed up as organ donors, as in a shitty choice between two people, it seems more fair. But Aditya was opposed to it purely on the grounds that that's not how medicine is run, not how the entire medical philosophy is set up. I see his point, but I feel like that idea, known as the LifeSharers Initiative, is interesting.

Back to the earlier bit. I find it sad that when I was younger I would hide my interests from the world. I remember in second grade I refused to read my story to the class, out of fear of them thinking it was stupid (it was really really bad Star Wars fan fiction). Then I remember not admitting that I was really into Pokemon, even though there really was nothing wrong with that. Even in high school, I hid or played down my interests to hang out with the "cool" smart kids in my year, even though I did and knew I would get along really well with the geeky anime Japanophile kids. That was silly of me (also, one had a huge crush on me that she let me know about a month before I left, and I put her down as gently as possible, although in retrospect that could have been a lot of fun). But so by the time I got to college, I think I have shed most of that (especially by this point, I feel like I more or less have a decent personality of my own). Now my problem is actually figuring out what that means.

Working Man's Dilemma! Of f to bed with me!

Love,

Alan

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

Dear Chris,

I think I seek in relationships new ways of looking at the world and passionately prospering in it. I also find the desire to experience many different types of experiences as possbile. Sometimes II find the urge to be able to look aback upon my life and be able to seamlessly interject into any conversation, "Oh, I had a girlfriend who was interested in that." What does this mean? Does it provide a replacement for my own failures to grow and explore. Do I look to new people to lead me in new directions? I find more often than not I am led to do things because other people suggest that I do them. At least in the past, it was very rare that I continue with a pursuit that I myself was interested in. An early interest in Debate in middle school (we only had a high school team) was quickly gobbled up by a zeal for Academic Team (known as Quiz Bowl to the majority of the Union). I was drawn into Wing Chun Kung Fu by my dear friend Rafa. Same for my rush of St. A's, which ended disappointingly and I still look back at with a slight wonder as to whether or not that would have been beneficial to my mind and spirit. My birth into the YPMB was facilitated by the lovely Monica Cowan, and then reinforced and driven home by my then-girlfriend (I find this ironic as the growth I wished to undergo socially led me to believe I should no longer date her, which proved to be a correct choice in hindsight as there was more wrong with our relationship than I realized at the time).

Since then I have become better, pursuing Buddhism (fruitlessly, at the moment), volunteer work (also fruitlessly), biking, Kickboxing, and Yale Student Round Table with little outside impetus (I mean, you suggested YSR and JJJ pushes biking, but I am going to credit myself with the majority of the intiatitve for these things).

I also have noticed that I have a tendency to not invite people to join me in my endeavors. I'm not quite sure what I mean by this, in terms of examples, but it seems I do a very poor job of trying to include friends not in a social circle of mine into that social circle. While I can make up excuses for why I do such things as that I assume my other friends are too busy, I think the real reason why I do it is because it will only result in my other friends stealing the show and claiming what little bit of limelight and fame (these are poor words for what I mean, but the point must be getting across) I have among my friends in said social group. I know, for example, that my roommate George is much more socialable and charismatic than I am, and I would sincerely fear his ability to steal the limelight. This admission reflets on me poorly, I'm sure, but I really don't care (not because I don't care about my spirit and self, but that I don't care about exposing the nastier parts of it to the world, provided that I strive to fix them). I think I'm going to try to embrace your over-arching openess and honesty policy, although I am a bit apprehensive as, for example, while you are on good terms with most,if not all, I am on very poor terms with one or two, as you are probably aware. I do not wish to make things worse with them, but at the same time, I would hope that they can deal.

I have spent the majority of my time in flight reading "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" by James Joyce. I just finished a chapter in which Stephen Dedalus cofesses his sins, and the whole chapter was filled with images of hell and the calm that Dedalus feels when he is forgiven. As much as I scoff at papist visions of damnation (ok, so I really like saying papist, it's just a cool word), I could definitely empathize with the feeling of lightness that comes with doing good.

It's funny, because I can see the benefits of having a religion be the passion by which you live, the passion that we both seek and speak of regularly. It must be the same zeal with which a soldier trains to defend his country, or a lover muses and plans to delight his beloved, an engineer builds his project in his head as he walks, or a poet interrupts whatever he is doing, tearing towards a piece of paper to put the promising poem to print.

I think I would make a very good man of religion, perhaps. Even now I have no problem embracing such irrational thoughts as "everything will work out for the best," or "this is the best of possible worlds." I find that I sacrifice very little with these beliefs, although perhaps I'm just not thinking them through properly enough (and if I'm not, I really don't care to). It's funny, because I can understand inherently what a muck our nation is in, as you cannot rationalize away something that is accepted as faith. This is why such morons opposing homosexuality exist, I feel.

It's intersting when people think of defenses of homosexuality (if you can fathom that such a thing even requires a defense). It seems that the major defense (and I use this word for lack of a better) lies along the inborn nature of one's attraction and sexuality, and since it is not under their control, it is something they can't be judged or penalized for, and therefore should be treated along the same lines as race or gender (which I completley agree with). I find it funny solely because growing up and rationalizing to myself and to others why there was nothing wrong with homosexuality, I took it purely from the point of view of a matter of preference. "I personally hate the color yellow," I would explain, "But that doesn't mean that those who do deserve lesser rights or have something wrong with them." This is a simply logical argument, without any appeals to science, which is multiple times more powerful.

This ends my airplane post.


Love,

Alan

I Admire Both the Tiger and the Philosopher

Dear Chris,

I agree on the subject of technology. I diligently try to avoid iPods when I am walking someplace, as they are only serving the purpose of distracting us from boredom, which is nothing but the failure of our minds to find beauty in our surroundings. When jogging, I think the iPod is acceptable as there is a focus on physically exerting yourself and that already takes away somewhat from experiencing the surroundings. I still refuse to use an iPod when jogging with a friend, though.

I also find it interesting how enslaved we can become to the internets. While in an airport with wireless, I find myself easily squandering my time obsessing over my fantasy baseball team, on Facebook, or purusing the NYTimes (which is not as much of a waste, but still). It's only miles above the Earth I can spend my free time reading, leadig to introspection, which leads to blogposts :).

A note on beauty in surroundings. I have come to respect and love New Haven much more after joining the Elm Street Cycling Arts and Ideas bike tours. The squalor and dangerousness of New Haven fades somewhat and I realize what a cool city I am in. Perhaps not the safest, but a very pretty city with history. It makes me think of the Decemberists song "Los Angeles, I'm Yours," in which they sing of all that is ugly and wrong in the city, but realizing in the end that they love the city nonetheless.

As far as openness, I am not entirely sure that I can air all my dirty laundry, with all my crushes, jealousies, and crushed hopes that my sinful little soul has experienced. I admire and aspire to your openness, and strive towards it.

So, this echoes a long-time question and excuse: "I'm too busy for a relationship" with or without the crushing addendum "anyway." But, at the same time, it is essentially the honesty with which we should all attempt to experience relationships. My former relationship did end because I no longer wanted to fit my relationship in to my life in the same quantity as I had before. My fear of simply trying to scale in back led to a perhaps then-Draconian response, total breakoff, but, as I have said and will say again, there were deeper problems I realize in hindsight that makes me ok with my actions.

But I don't know if I need object to your maxim of "Get Drunk, and see what happens." I mean, if you are dating someone in which you have an extremely fulfilling relationship, with the only caveat being that you are more slightly physically attracted to this jerk of a person, and you get drunk at a party and hook up with them, thereby destroying your otherwise fulfilling relationship, what does this mean? I feel like this is a good entry situation, but not good once you're there. Either way, though, does it not show a certain callousness for the feelings of others? If someone is really into you, and you're attracted to them, but not emotionally or in the same way, isn't it wrong to be physical and lead them on. I feel like that's what would happen if you were drunk. Or, to say, if I were drunk. But that's not right. Maybe I'm overthinking your maxim.

Because, really, shouldn't we live our lives by the "Be free, and see what happens" maxim? Why do we need alcohol? Or, ideally, shouldn't we not have alcohol. I guess that's what I mean. Hmmm. Tired. Perhaps more later, but must post and go to bed.

Hang in there.

Love,

Alan

Tales of a Hot Stepsister

Dear Alan,

The day before I left for China, I couldn't help but realize how happy my stepsister, Heather, was. This shocked me: she's 22 years old, engaged to be married to a small-town southern hick, who is also so happy. She'll get married and live in that small town for the rest of her life. She'll work at the hospital where she just got a job as a nurse for the rest of her life. She won't travel, she won't experience the world, and she's very happy, much more consistently happy than I have ever been. But why?? It seemed to me counter-intuitive. How could anyone be that happy with that life? It seemed so lowly.

Then, I started thinking: maybe I have it all wrong. "WHAT?!," I thought to myself. "I've worked too long and too hard, done too much to be that wrong." But you know what, I think I am. I've spent my whole life doing what I thought one had to do to be happy, and she's spent her life just being happy. When I was younger, I thought I had to be the best and have the best to be happy. I thought I needed to be well-known and admired to be happy. She just lived, and she's so happy. These traits of mine have certainly calmed down, but they're still there, to some degree. I think I could really learn something from Heather and her soon-to-be husband. For all my education and opportunity, for all my thinking, they got it right, and I did not.

-cy

Calvin et al.

Dear Alan,

It's taken me a while to get back here. I'm sorry. I've been at my dad's place, and Internet is slow, time is short, and all-in-all, I wanted a break from technology. I find technology both liberating and enslaving, and have a love/hate relationship with computers, iPods, et cetera. On the one hand, it opens up knowledge and the world on an unprecedented level. On the other, it's second-hand (and artificial, superficial, and onward...) at best, and oftentimes tempts us away from first-hand, real, tangible experience. But this is not the subject of this post, so I won't dwell.

So, an abrupt change in subject: my openness. You find it curious, perhaps maybe excessive(?), but it's part and parcel who I am. As you know, I have no shame...actually, let's re-define that: I have no qualms opening myself up, and being honest about myself with myself and others. It's an attribute that I developed during my freshmen and sophomore years, and I firmly believe that it is the single greatest attribute that I developed in college. It's allowed me to experience an unprecedented level of personal and intellectual growth, and has permitted me to develop tons of strong, fulfilling relationships. In many ways, I am an open book, but I hope one that entices the Reader to read on.

I agree heartedly with your phoenix metaphor and definitely experience it in my life. I learn the most when I burn a bit, and I think it's safe to say that's a universal characteristic to our humanity. You once told me that we grow the most in our unhappiest moments. Oh yeah.

It's unfortunate: on the one hand, my intellect likes those moments when I'm most introspective, but those are when my emotions are most fragile and raw. My mind thrives when my heart suffers, so to speak. It seems like it's a trade-off, although I know that's certainly not true...actually, I don't know jack-shit (I'm 22 and have a long journey ahead of me before I know anything, really). I just hope that it's not true, because it seems unfortunate...but why? It's beautiful, in a sense. Those moments that we are our most emotionally fragile presents us with the opportunity to grow intellectually...and emotionally, for that matter. I suppose I might be thinking of the two are separate entities, but really, they're intricately interwoven. This issue is much more complex than a simple dichotomy, which is what I think I was trying to do. I guess that's the beauty with our personal growth: its complexity.

I do agree that impressing isn't a bad thing and that working towards something for someone(s) is a great feeling and highly rewarding. I guess what I was getting at was that I don't have anything that's really mine. Enter: the passion debate. I do things for other people, and they make me happy, but I wouldn't be as happy doing those things if they weren't for other people. I wouldn't just do them. It's not passionate.

I want a passion, just like you. I'm not sure if passions can be consciously found and nurtured, or if they just appear and are. I'm going to try developing a passion in China through music. If that doesn't work, maybe I'll come across one, something I do for me and me alone. Something I do, because I have to ("have to" in the most passionate sense - no sense of obligation, no sense of work...simply euphoria). I've never had that in my life. Like you, I want it badly.

Do you read "Calvin and Hobbes"? I love that strip. It brings me nothing but joy, a smile, and a good laugh. Calvin's passion is Life, and he doesn't think about it, consciously. He simply exists. I want to be him. Maybe one day I can be.

Also, question: if you get too busy for a relationship, but are happy, why does the desire for a relationship matter then? I say live in the spirit of "Get drunk, and see what happens." Do what you want, and if someone comes along that you want to date, then you'll fit it in. If you want it badly enough, then you'll fit it in, no problem.

I have more to write, but I leave for China...um, really soon. I'll write from Beijing.

As always, with love,

-cy

In Search of Time To Be Discovered (or Rememberance of Things Ahead)

Dear Chris,

I find it interesting that you are OK speaking of such things so openly on this blog. While I know our readership is non-existent (and I think it would be nice if it stayed that way for a bit longer, honestly, although I'm not sure why), I am still surprised that you would be willing to let the world know such personal things.

It's funny, because I never worried that I wasn't enough, perhaps simply because I knew I wasn't. In fact, towards the end I guess it was the opposite way around...I don't like admitting that, not for me, but for her. In any case, I think I am more driven to do things outside of relationships, as much for improving myself as impressing others.

When I think of immersing myself in a host of activities, I don't necessarily think of doing it to cover up any faults. I don't see it as a blue tarp duct taped over the hole in my side door car window. Instead, I see it as an entirely new window, not just a cover. When I think of immersing myself in things, it is to make me a better person. A little bit to make me a more interesting person, but I think most importantly to make myself a more passionate person.

As our past conversations have detailed, this issue of passion has been plaguing me since, well, since Equus. Sometimes I feel a strong sympathy with the psychiatrist, as I assume Peter Shaffer wanted us all to. So here I am, a machine of a scholar, doing school, which I know and which I love, but at times I feel it is all that I do. Which doesn't give me that much depth as a person. I mean, being able to do, and doing, both science and humanities, is depth, but it's not particularly interesting. It doesn't really make you stand out in a crowd, or an interview, or a bar. But being able to talk about Kung Fu, or Capoeira, or even some of the volunteer work I'm looking into this summer, that's something you can talk about. Will it become passion? I hope so.

So maybe the contrast between deep growth and superficiality isn't actually that sharp, at least in this case. Perhaps it's that I just don't feel as panicked as your tale seems to indicate you were. I see my exploration of other things as a long progressive trek to figuring out what I want out of life and what life wants out of me.

As for impressing the fairer sex, I vacillate wildly between confidence that someone will like me for who I am or not at all and the knowledge that I can be bigger, better, faster, more interesting, and more impassioned than I currently am. Obviously the former attitude is favored, but sometimes I worry. So far my four days in BHouse have led to a sense of calm in this department, as I focus on these other things and pure camaraderie with my housemates.

I am interested in your comment about relationships making you self-destructive. I know you meant it in the case of dissecting every potential misstep rendering you an impotent wreck (hopefully not literally). But I think, no matter what the reasons, what you managed to accomplish in order to impress a boy, is more impressive than you could have ever imagined, and allowed you to take advantage of life in more ways than you ever could have otherwise.

I know there's a natural avoidance of corny phoenix references, but the thing is they're rather poignant. You do have to burn a little to be reborn. Nietzsche makes a big point of it. I know personally not getting Section Leader was good in the long run because it was this type of burning that I needed to grow in new directions, or even just to make me that much more fireproof.

Part of me fears that I will render myself too busy too actually have a relationship, but these things have a way of working themselves out, so I'm not going to worry too horribly much.

So, a word on this loneliness, as Joe mutters to himself next to me about dimensions of his Drop Team business. In high school, I buried my loneliness with schoolwork. But schoolwork wasn't really an adequate replacement: the goal of schoolwork was that I was working towards a greater end, which was a chance to escape my lonely surroundings and start anew at Yale. So that kind sublimation doesn't really work.

What really is necessary is a self-sustaining lifestyle that has no escapist goal in mind. No light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing that is worked towards. I think having that kind of life is really the only way to escape loneliness.

But then again, running from loneliness perhaps is one of the greatest things we can do to make us into better people. I think of a book I have heard of recently but have not had the chance to read yet: "How Proust Can Change Your Life." A link leads to a brief summary, which sounds quite enticing:

http://librarylink.regent.edu/?p=149

Perhaps I will read this book. So much to do this summer.

I might have a counter-post soon, or I might just go to bed. I'm a working man now.

Love,

Alan

Silencing my Lambs

Dear Alan,

I'm back, and I'm black...well, kinda. My aunt (read: mom's sis) is in the process of filling in our family tree. It seems that we would in fact qualify as African-American under the "one drop" rule (we're thinking either maternal grandfather's grandparent or great grandparent was black). Yeah, it's far removed, but interesting nonetheless.

In regards to your earlier post, I certainly felt similarly at various pointed in my time at Yale, although your sentiments seem much more constant and conscious to you than mine were to me...save when I was dating/in the process of pursuing someone. Example: many of the things that I accomplished while in my relationship with Elliot (attempting to run a marathon, beginning to work out regularly, deciding to pursue "Equus," enrolling in Monkey Lab), I did to impress him. I'm so embarrassed to admit it (and I think it takes a good deal to embarrass me at this point), but it's fact. I was scared that I wasn't enough for him, that I had to somehow make myself enough. It was the same way with Scott. It's a big problem, and I'd say the biggest hurdle that I'm currently facing.

I've thought about the Fall 2008 a lot this past semester. What happened to me? I can explain some things: the unhappiness and disappointment that tarnished many of my friendships, the jealously that almost destroyed my relationship with Rebecca...that semester was a dark time in my life, but I can honestly say that I'm stronger for it.

However, the one thing that I still haven't figured out is the incredible paranoia that consumes me when I'm in a relationship: I don't feel good enough to be with him, whoever him might be. I'm always (read: always) looking for justification from him that I am good enough. I freak out over the smallest things (most prominent example: no response to an email or a text = he doesn't like me, I've messed it up, etc). It's bad, and it sucks, and it's still a mystery to me.

I don't know why I feel like this. Maybe it was a Yale phenomenon, maybe my insecurities about being at Yale translated into my relationships in this unhealthy and self-destructive way. Unfortunately, I have no relationship experience outside of Yale to which I can compare. Perhaps one day, God willing.

On the other hand, this paranoia hasn't been all bad: it's led to me achieving some of my most proudest accomplishments (read: "Equus"), which I would not have pursued with it as a catalyst...which is rather sad. I'd wanted to direct "Equus" since high school, but I'd never had the desire to pursue it, until I wanted to impress a boy. WTF. I must want a relationship more badly than even I understand. Perhaps, deep down, I am really lonely, regardless of the number and strength of my friendships. Perhaps, even though I've mostly been alone, I don't know how to be alone at all. But I also don't know how to not be alone. Curiouser and curiouser.

Hmmm, this was another rant, wasn't it?...oh well. I guess I have some lambs in my life, screaming. Maybe one day they'll be silenced, but that won't be today.

Also, I've determined that we can't in fact receive e-mail notifications when one of us posts to our blog. We just have to remember to check our Blogger dashboard at least once every day or two.

*kisses*

-cy

To Do And To Know

Dear Alan,

I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to respond to your post. I had not realized that you had posted. There must be some sort of automatic notification system...I'll explore further...or maybe I'll keep saying I'll explore further and never actually get around to it. I say lots of things that never come to fruition. I suppose we all do, but it doesn't make it bother me any less. We do it to be PC, to get on with our neighbor, to be polite...but wouldn't it be better to just be honest? I feel like that would solve a lot of the world's problems, if we just said upfront exactly what we were and were not going to do, how something was going to go down. We we be better off for it, methinks. Then again, what do I know? Essentially, I only know school. It's all I've done. Oh yeah, I've done this and that over the summer...but really, I've done jack shit. My summer experiences were short-lived and limited in scope. It's why I'm OK with graduation. There's much more for me to see and do, much more to experience. That way, hopefully, one day, I can know.

Hmmm, there's more to say (like, actually address your post), but I have errands to do right now. This is a task for tonight, and I will get around to it.

Yours,

-cy

That voodoo that I hope to do

Dear Chris,

Halfway done. That is a terrifying thought. Not relieving, but terrifying. Perhaps it's because the future is so open. Perhaps it's because there is so much room for going down the wrong path. Even though I know there is no wrong path. Hmmm...

What is it I want to do? Everything. Now, I know this is not a practical choice, but it is the honest and truthful one. The problem at Yale is that there is the opportunity to do everything, which can lead a person to reaction as a shark does to a school of fish darting in every which direction... that is, nothing.

Have you ever listened to "This American Life" on NPR? If you haven't, I can't imagine you will have much chance to for the next two years. Regardless, Ira Glass just finds interesting stories and explores them. Not even as a prime-time ratings-greedy search for sensationalist stories that plagues standard TV. He just finds interesting stories. He spent an entire hour doing stories found from one day in the Chicago classifieds in a Monday newspaper. That sounds fascinating to me. To just get an insight into the private lives of others, even so simple looks, touches me deeply. I think it would be cool to experience that first-hand.

But the world is a huge place! I can just as easily see myself researching quantum effects in biological systems. My dad sent me an article which is currently open as a tab on my Firefox window about just that. I can see myself chasing random scientific questions across the limits of reason solely for the sheer intellectual joy of it.

The problem is that, of course, time is finite. To mix all these things together, though, I feel, is the goal of my life. To have the ability to be extremely focused yet incredibly diverse. The problem with such a constructed, goal-oriented life, even if that goal is just action (a la ubermensch) is that it might not leave a lot of time for reflection or just chilling. It wouldn't leave a lot of time for writing in a blog.

The problem I always seem to face when looking back on these last two years is that I can't help but thinking that I could have done my freshman year much much better. I really explored nothing, instead immersing myself in DS, which was immensely rewarding, and a relationship that probably wasn't the healthiest for either of us and ended on increasingly poor terms. Of course, the de facto argument is that without those experiences, I would not have had the tremendous sophomore year that I did in fact have and had the same relationships with people that I had. And that is the saving grace of the whole situation. But even for all I accomplished in my sophomore year, I know of others who accomplished twice as much.

Now, by accomplish, I'm not quite sure what I mean. Maybe it's that I mean explore all that Yale has to offer. Actually that is exactly what I mean. But it's an interesting divide.

The reason because I think the most important aspect of Yale, excluding the goal-oriented view that going to Yale will set up the right network that will land you a cushy political job, is the people. I can do all the academic learning I can do here elsewhere. What I can't necessarily get elsewhere are the people who are as intellectual, thoughtful, and quirky as I am. That is why I'm here.

So, it would make sense, obviously, to spend all your time with these people. The problem that emerges here is two-fold. 1) How do you find these people and become close enough to them that they really make a difference in your life and you in theirs, and 2) You are not in a vacuum with nothing else to do than build friendships, so how do you balance those two?

Ignoring these questions, it is true I am not here simply to meet other people, as interesting as they may be. I'm here, to borrow some parallel structure, to meet myself. Of course I disavow this statement as soon as I say it, because I am constantly evolving. As a position function, perhaps my third or fourth derivative is a constant, but I highly doubt even that.

The point though is that I have only two years to take advantage of all the opportunities with which Yale has presented me. And I will invariably fail at exploring all these opportunities. But I will explore them, and maybe that alone is the point.

My dad tells me that medical school is where you learn the Why behind medicine, while residency is where you learn the How. I have likewise heard that the goal of a liberal arts education is How to think.

So is the goal here to taste as many things here as possible, refusing to get tied down so you can explore every facet of existence, slowly whittling down choices until you actually know what it is you like and can delve into that more deeply outside of college?

But the ideal would be to delve deeply and taste everything at the same time. This is simply not possible. Unfortunately. So I return to the same predicament. Perhaps I am going in circles now.

The balance here is between exploring academics (my plans are relatively ambitious from a grade standpoint (M.D.-Ph.D), exploring my friends (no, not like that... necessarily), and exploring Yale and myself. I hope to find this balance. That is the voodoo that I hope to do.

Always (whatever that means),

Alan

Halfway There

Dear Alan,

You are halfway there and living on a prayer. How does it feel being half done with your Yale experience? Alternatively, how does it feel having two more years (a long time) to do at Yale what you want to do? What do you want to do? Has this changed from our past conversations?

xoxo,

-cy

And I Smile From Death Upon All

Dear Alan,

I don't think that it's really hit me yet, my death. I got home just yesterday after 15 hours on the road, after 3 days of Yale-China orientation, after commencement, Senior Week, Myrtle, finals, Reading Week, school...it's been a whirlwind of activity. Today has been the same: I've begun the sucky sucky task of unpacking and repacking. Moving to a foreign country in two suitcases = special. Very, very special.

I cried several times last Monday (commencement) and Tuesday (move-out), but not even as much as I expected, and since then, I've become surprisingly emotionally stable (after I had described the whole graduation affair as "emotional devastation." I love Yale, I love y'all, and I'll miss college, but (I think...I hope) a healthy sort of miss. I had four bright college years, and that's all, folks. I had my time, and I did with it what I needed to do: I learned how little I know and how much maturing I still have to do...and you know, I think that's exactly what Yale means to do.

Every Yalie experiences "death" differently, and I can't speak to a unified experience, but I can speak for mine, and I for one was resurrected on the third day. I got my after-college dream: I'm moving to China to teach spoken English, fully-funded for two years (including language training). I'm living and teaching with other Yalies in a city where there will be eight of us (plus our awesome program support officer). I'll have the time and funds to learn to cook, learn an instrument, learn tai chi...learn anything. I'll have the time to write, reflect, travel and experience.

BCY calls Yale "the shortest, gladdest years of life." I disagree: life is what you make it. Our time at Yale was short, yes, and glad, mostly, but I intend to make my life ten-fold what it was at Yale, to make myself one hundred-fold what I was on commencement day. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. The end was sad, but the beginning is exciting. I'm going to make my death count.

-cy

Death Smiles Upon Us All

Dear Chris,

This may seem like a bit redundant of a first post, but I'm not particularly used to this, so it's going to be a bit of a shot in the dark, but...

How is it being dead? How is it dealing with the deaths of those around you?

I seemed to be rather blase about it myself, at least when it first happened. I've never been a big goodbye person in the first place. Maybe that's because I have gotten so used to saying bye to my mom or dad for reasonably long periods of time, the "See you later" always seemed more appropriate. I took that approach to high school, and it seemed to work out OK. Of course, I am bound to those people geographically, and we all periodically return to the same place for the sake of out parents in a way that alumi will never return to Yale, save for perhaps The Game.

I could account my acceptance of the departure of my loved ones to an old habit of Stoicism, where I just accept things as out of my control and make the best of them. And in that case I find the best example of this to be from Gladiator:

(the quote is about 1:20 in)

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1139332/gladiator_movie_dreath_smiles_at_us_all/

I think the second reason perhaps that I can be so cavalier about this whole death business is that our relationships are built upon more than just physical presence, as important as that is. It's the fact that we can have these kinds of conversations despite just plain silly distances between us that matters.

It seems that I at this point I should say that I am sorry that you are dead. That seems like the obligatory thing to do. But I don't think I am. I think it is unfortunate that you will be going so far away with so little opportunity to see you, but I am not sorry that you are gone or that you are going so far away. I know this is a huge opportunity for you. And even if you find it ridiculous that I am being so selfless, there is a plus for me. One of my closest advisers and confidants is going to an entirely new land with an entirely new culture, from which he will form entirely new world perceptions which he will then share with me.

So, go off and explore. And the posts shall continue.

Love,

Alan