That voodoo that I hope to do

Dear Chris,

Halfway done. That is a terrifying thought. Not relieving, but terrifying. Perhaps it's because the future is so open. Perhaps it's because there is so much room for going down the wrong path. Even though I know there is no wrong path. Hmmm...

What is it I want to do? Everything. Now, I know this is not a practical choice, but it is the honest and truthful one. The problem at Yale is that there is the opportunity to do everything, which can lead a person to reaction as a shark does to a school of fish darting in every which direction... that is, nothing.

Have you ever listened to "This American Life" on NPR? If you haven't, I can't imagine you will have much chance to for the next two years. Regardless, Ira Glass just finds interesting stories and explores them. Not even as a prime-time ratings-greedy search for sensationalist stories that plagues standard TV. He just finds interesting stories. He spent an entire hour doing stories found from one day in the Chicago classifieds in a Monday newspaper. That sounds fascinating to me. To just get an insight into the private lives of others, even so simple looks, touches me deeply. I think it would be cool to experience that first-hand.

But the world is a huge place! I can just as easily see myself researching quantum effects in biological systems. My dad sent me an article which is currently open as a tab on my Firefox window about just that. I can see myself chasing random scientific questions across the limits of reason solely for the sheer intellectual joy of it.

The problem is that, of course, time is finite. To mix all these things together, though, I feel, is the goal of my life. To have the ability to be extremely focused yet incredibly diverse. The problem with such a constructed, goal-oriented life, even if that goal is just action (a la ubermensch) is that it might not leave a lot of time for reflection or just chilling. It wouldn't leave a lot of time for writing in a blog.

The problem I always seem to face when looking back on these last two years is that I can't help but thinking that I could have done my freshman year much much better. I really explored nothing, instead immersing myself in DS, which was immensely rewarding, and a relationship that probably wasn't the healthiest for either of us and ended on increasingly poor terms. Of course, the de facto argument is that without those experiences, I would not have had the tremendous sophomore year that I did in fact have and had the same relationships with people that I had. And that is the saving grace of the whole situation. But even for all I accomplished in my sophomore year, I know of others who accomplished twice as much.

Now, by accomplish, I'm not quite sure what I mean. Maybe it's that I mean explore all that Yale has to offer. Actually that is exactly what I mean. But it's an interesting divide.

The reason because I think the most important aspect of Yale, excluding the goal-oriented view that going to Yale will set up the right network that will land you a cushy political job, is the people. I can do all the academic learning I can do here elsewhere. What I can't necessarily get elsewhere are the people who are as intellectual, thoughtful, and quirky as I am. That is why I'm here.

So, it would make sense, obviously, to spend all your time with these people. The problem that emerges here is two-fold. 1) How do you find these people and become close enough to them that they really make a difference in your life and you in theirs, and 2) You are not in a vacuum with nothing else to do than build friendships, so how do you balance those two?

Ignoring these questions, it is true I am not here simply to meet other people, as interesting as they may be. I'm here, to borrow some parallel structure, to meet myself. Of course I disavow this statement as soon as I say it, because I am constantly evolving. As a position function, perhaps my third or fourth derivative is a constant, but I highly doubt even that.

The point though is that I have only two years to take advantage of all the opportunities with which Yale has presented me. And I will invariably fail at exploring all these opportunities. But I will explore them, and maybe that alone is the point.

My dad tells me that medical school is where you learn the Why behind medicine, while residency is where you learn the How. I have likewise heard that the goal of a liberal arts education is How to think.

So is the goal here to taste as many things here as possible, refusing to get tied down so you can explore every facet of existence, slowly whittling down choices until you actually know what it is you like and can delve into that more deeply outside of college?

But the ideal would be to delve deeply and taste everything at the same time. This is simply not possible. Unfortunately. So I return to the same predicament. Perhaps I am going in circles now.

The balance here is between exploring academics (my plans are relatively ambitious from a grade standpoint (M.D.-Ph.D), exploring my friends (no, not like that... necessarily), and exploring Yale and myself. I hope to find this balance. That is the voodoo that I hope to do.

Always (whatever that means),

Alan