Calvin et al.

Dear Alan,

It's taken me a while to get back here. I'm sorry. I've been at my dad's place, and Internet is slow, time is short, and all-in-all, I wanted a break from technology. I find technology both liberating and enslaving, and have a love/hate relationship with computers, iPods, et cetera. On the one hand, it opens up knowledge and the world on an unprecedented level. On the other, it's second-hand (and artificial, superficial, and onward...) at best, and oftentimes tempts us away from first-hand, real, tangible experience. But this is not the subject of this post, so I won't dwell.

So, an abrupt change in subject: my openness. You find it curious, perhaps maybe excessive(?), but it's part and parcel who I am. As you know, I have no shame...actually, let's re-define that: I have no qualms opening myself up, and being honest about myself with myself and others. It's an attribute that I developed during my freshmen and sophomore years, and I firmly believe that it is the single greatest attribute that I developed in college. It's allowed me to experience an unprecedented level of personal and intellectual growth, and has permitted me to develop tons of strong, fulfilling relationships. In many ways, I am an open book, but I hope one that entices the Reader to read on.

I agree heartedly with your phoenix metaphor and definitely experience it in my life. I learn the most when I burn a bit, and I think it's safe to say that's a universal characteristic to our humanity. You once told me that we grow the most in our unhappiest moments. Oh yeah.

It's unfortunate: on the one hand, my intellect likes those moments when I'm most introspective, but those are when my emotions are most fragile and raw. My mind thrives when my heart suffers, so to speak. It seems like it's a trade-off, although I know that's certainly not true...actually, I don't know jack-shit (I'm 22 and have a long journey ahead of me before I know anything, really). I just hope that it's not true, because it seems unfortunate...but why? It's beautiful, in a sense. Those moments that we are our most emotionally fragile presents us with the opportunity to grow intellectually...and emotionally, for that matter. I suppose I might be thinking of the two are separate entities, but really, they're intricately interwoven. This issue is much more complex than a simple dichotomy, which is what I think I was trying to do. I guess that's the beauty with our personal growth: its complexity.

I do agree that impressing isn't a bad thing and that working towards something for someone(s) is a great feeling and highly rewarding. I guess what I was getting at was that I don't have anything that's really mine. Enter: the passion debate. I do things for other people, and they make me happy, but I wouldn't be as happy doing those things if they weren't for other people. I wouldn't just do them. It's not passionate.

I want a passion, just like you. I'm not sure if passions can be consciously found and nurtured, or if they just appear and are. I'm going to try developing a passion in China through music. If that doesn't work, maybe I'll come across one, something I do for me and me alone. Something I do, because I have to ("have to" in the most passionate sense - no sense of obligation, no sense of work...simply euphoria). I've never had that in my life. Like you, I want it badly.

Do you read "Calvin and Hobbes"? I love that strip. It brings me nothing but joy, a smile, and a good laugh. Calvin's passion is Life, and he doesn't think about it, consciously. He simply exists. I want to be him. Maybe one day I can be.

Also, question: if you get too busy for a relationship, but are happy, why does the desire for a relationship matter then? I say live in the spirit of "Get drunk, and see what happens." Do what you want, and if someone comes along that you want to date, then you'll fit it in. If you want it badly enough, then you'll fit it in, no problem.

I have more to write, but I leave for China...um, really soon. I'll write from Beijing.

As always, with love,

-cy