Honesty is the Best Policy?

Dear Chris,

I'm not sure how hip you are with Kant, so forgive me. The ideas I will discuss here aren't that complex, though, so it shouldn't be too much of an issue.

So, a bit after that conversation, I talked with Katie, who confirmed, in a much less arrogant manner, that I had in fact been veritably insane and in violation of societal rules in at least 5 dimensions. Besides the high frequency of my pursuits, she took main umbrage with my MO of "Speak as you wish and carry a large stick of brutal honesty". This was a perhaps unfortunate foray into an experiment in which I just spoke my mind carefully, but entirely honestly. The problem, here, seems to be that not everyone is equipped with the ability to deal with complete and total honesty and be able to function regularly, as I strive to. For example, I remember one of my campaigns which ended abruptly when I was told a direct quote from my interest was "no way". And that was fine. I dropped my suit, and continued as her friend. She didn't say it to my face, but she very well could have, and it didn't change anything. I rather have a definite, clear response. My error was that I assumed everyone would think likewise. In this I was sadly mistaken. It seems not everyone wants to hear or handle the truth, that that is not the MO at which society operates. For a variety of reasons.

Kant rears his analytic head yet again here, now with respect to lying. He said, with no exceptions, one should not lie. No exceptions. Of course, the clearest objection is the "Hiding Jews in the attic when the Nazis come a-searching" example, but I would rather ignore extremes for now and look at application.

A less concrete example is what you say to the dreaded question "Do these pants make me look fat?" Now, the worldly, conflict-avoiding answer here is "No, of course not." Now, let's assume this is a lie. So, what is the correct answer. Maybe "Yes, it does, you shouldn't wear it." Or, "Yes, it does, you should eat less and workout more if that bothers you." Or, "Yes, it does, but I think you're sexy and attractive anyway, and I don't care." In an ideal world, I think the questioner should 1) Be able to deal with any truth; and/or 2) Not care about whatever the answer in fact is. I feel like I have this kind of honesty with, among other people, you and Katie. I think that's one of the things I like about the two of you. You will tell me what you think, without regard for how I might take it. For example, one morning, when I was about to go spend the day with my mom in the city, Katie looked at me and said "You need to get a haircut." I said, jokingly "Now you're going to make me be self-conscious all day!" "Oh," she retorted, "I thought your shirt would have done that anyway." I was wearing a Hawaiian shirt that day, the nicest short-sleeved shirt I have. And, while I knew she was kidding somewhat, she was being honest at the same time. And, I appreciated it. Yes, I did need a haircut. Yes, I was wearing a shirt that was less than conventional. But, frankly, I accepted these truths and just didn't care. At a time, these things would have bothered me, and I would have preferred the not-truth. But I went through a very nice day in a very gaudy shirt with the beginnings of a mullet, and I just didn't care, and my mom didn't care.

Now, I know that not everyone can deal with that kind of honesty. Yet that's what I strive for and hope that others can accept from me. I obviously need to tone it back a little bit, perhaps be more cognizant of my audience, accept that not everyone can accept the full truth and the brutally honest conversations I try to have. Some people can't accept these truths to themselves, much less accept them from, or tell them to, me.

Honestly missing you,

Alan