Silencing my Lambs

Dear Alan,

I'm back, and I'm black...well, kinda. My aunt (read: mom's sis) is in the process of filling in our family tree. It seems that we would in fact qualify as African-American under the "one drop" rule (we're thinking either maternal grandfather's grandparent or great grandparent was black). Yeah, it's far removed, but interesting nonetheless.

In regards to your earlier post, I certainly felt similarly at various pointed in my time at Yale, although your sentiments seem much more constant and conscious to you than mine were to me...save when I was dating/in the process of pursuing someone. Example: many of the things that I accomplished while in my relationship with Elliot (attempting to run a marathon, beginning to work out regularly, deciding to pursue "Equus," enrolling in Monkey Lab), I did to impress him. I'm so embarrassed to admit it (and I think it takes a good deal to embarrass me at this point), but it's fact. I was scared that I wasn't enough for him, that I had to somehow make myself enough. It was the same way with Scott. It's a big problem, and I'd say the biggest hurdle that I'm currently facing.

I've thought about the Fall 2008 a lot this past semester. What happened to me? I can explain some things: the unhappiness and disappointment that tarnished many of my friendships, the jealously that almost destroyed my relationship with Rebecca...that semester was a dark time in my life, but I can honestly say that I'm stronger for it.

However, the one thing that I still haven't figured out is the incredible paranoia that consumes me when I'm in a relationship: I don't feel good enough to be with him, whoever him might be. I'm always (read: always) looking for justification from him that I am good enough. I freak out over the smallest things (most prominent example: no response to an email or a text = he doesn't like me, I've messed it up, etc). It's bad, and it sucks, and it's still a mystery to me.

I don't know why I feel like this. Maybe it was a Yale phenomenon, maybe my insecurities about being at Yale translated into my relationships in this unhealthy and self-destructive way. Unfortunately, I have no relationship experience outside of Yale to which I can compare. Perhaps one day, God willing.

On the other hand, this paranoia hasn't been all bad: it's led to me achieving some of my most proudest accomplishments (read: "Equus"), which I would not have pursued with it as a catalyst...which is rather sad. I'd wanted to direct "Equus" since high school, but I'd never had the desire to pursue it, until I wanted to impress a boy. WTF. I must want a relationship more badly than even I understand. Perhaps, deep down, I am really lonely, regardless of the number and strength of my friendships. Perhaps, even though I've mostly been alone, I don't know how to be alone at all. But I also don't know how to not be alone. Curiouser and curiouser.

Hmmm, this was another rant, wasn't it?...oh well. I guess I have some lambs in my life, screaming. Maybe one day they'll be silenced, but that won't be today.

Also, I've determined that we can't in fact receive e-mail notifications when one of us posts to our blog. We just have to remember to check our Blogger dashboard at least once every day or two.

*kisses*

-cy