Dear Chris,
I think I seek in relationships new ways of looking at the world and passionately prospering in it. I also find the desire to experience many different types of experiences as possbile. Sometimes II find the urge to be able to look aback upon my life and be able to seamlessly interject into any conversation, "Oh, I had a girlfriend who was interested in that." What does this mean? Does it provide a replacement for my own failures to grow and explore. Do I look to new people to lead me in new directions? I find more often than not I am led to do things because other people suggest that I do them. At least in the past, it was very rare that I continue with a pursuit that I myself was interested in. An early interest in Debate in middle school (we only had a high school team) was quickly gobbled up by a zeal for Academic Team (known as Quiz Bowl to the majority of the Union). I was drawn into Wing Chun Kung Fu by my dear friend Rafa. Same for my rush of St. A's, which ended disappointingly and I still look back at with a slight wonder as to whether or not that would have been beneficial to my mind and spirit. My birth into the YPMB was facilitated by the lovely Monica Cowan, and then reinforced and driven home by my then-girlfriend (I find this ironic as the growth I wished to undergo socially led me to believe I should no longer date her, which proved to be a correct choice in hindsight as there was more wrong with our relationship than I realized at the time).
Since then I have become better, pursuing Buddhism (fruitlessly, at the moment), volunteer work (also fruitlessly), biking, Kickboxing, and Yale Student Round Table with little outside impetus (I mean, you suggested YSR and JJJ pushes biking, but I am going to credit myself with the majority of the intiatitve for these things).
I also have noticed that I have a tendency to not invite people to join me in my endeavors. I'm not quite sure what I mean by this, in terms of examples, but it seems I do a very poor job of trying to include friends not in a social circle of mine into that social circle. While I can make up excuses for why I do such things as that I assume my other friends are too busy, I think the real reason why I do it is because it will only result in my other friends stealing the show and claiming what little bit of limelight and fame (these are poor words for what I mean, but the point must be getting across) I have among my friends in said social group. I know, for example, that my roommate George is much more socialable and charismatic than I am, and I would sincerely fear his ability to steal the limelight. This admission reflets on me poorly, I'm sure, but I really don't care (not because I don't care about my spirit and self, but that I don't care about exposing the nastier parts of it to the world, provided that I strive to fix them). I think I'm going to try to embrace your over-arching openess and honesty policy, although I am a bit apprehensive as, for example, while you are on good terms with most,if not all, I am on very poor terms with one or two, as you are probably aware. I do not wish to make things worse with them, but at the same time, I would hope that they can deal.
I have spent the majority of my time in flight reading "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" by James Joyce. I just finished a chapter in which Stephen Dedalus cofesses his sins, and the whole chapter was filled with images of hell and the calm that Dedalus feels when he is forgiven. As much as I scoff at papist visions of damnation (ok, so I really like saying papist, it's just a cool word), I could definitely empathize with the feeling of lightness that comes with doing good.
It's funny, because I can see the benefits of having a religion be the passion by which you live, the passion that we both seek and speak of regularly. It must be the same zeal with which a soldier trains to defend his country, or a lover muses and plans to delight his beloved, an engineer builds his project in his head as he walks, or a poet interrupts whatever he is doing, tearing towards a piece of paper to put the promising poem to print.
I think I would make a very good man of religion, perhaps. Even now I have no problem embracing such irrational thoughts as "everything will work out for the best," or "this is the best of possible worlds." I find that I sacrifice very little with these beliefs, although perhaps I'm just not thinking them through properly enough (and if I'm not, I really don't care to). It's funny, because I can understand inherently what a muck our nation is in, as you cannot rationalize away something that is accepted as faith. This is why such morons opposing homosexuality exist, I feel.
It's intersting when people think of defenses of homosexuality (if you can fathom that such a thing even requires a defense). It seems that the major defense (and I use this word for lack of a better) lies along the inborn nature of one's attraction and sexuality, and since it is not under their control, it is something they can't be judged or penalized for, and therefore should be treated along the same lines as race or gender (which I completley agree with). I find it funny solely because growing up and rationalizing to myself and to others why there was nothing wrong with homosexuality, I took it purely from the point of view of a matter of preference. "I personally hate the color yellow," I would explain, "But that doesn't mean that those who do deserve lesser rights or have something wrong with them." This is a simply logical argument, without any appeals to science, which is multiple times more powerful.
This ends my airplane post.
Love,
Alan
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I Admire Both the Tiger and the Philosopher
Dear Chris,
I agree on the subject of technology. I diligently try to avoid iPods when I am walking someplace, as they are only serving the purpose of distracting us from boredom, which is nothing but the failure of our minds to find beauty in our surroundings. When jogging, I think the iPod is acceptable as there is a focus on physically exerting yourself and that already takes away somewhat from experiencing the surroundings. I still refuse to use an iPod when jogging with a friend, though.
I also find it interesting how enslaved we can become to the internets. While in an airport with wireless, I find myself easily squandering my time obsessing over my fantasy baseball team, on Facebook, or purusing the NYTimes (which is not as much of a waste, but still). It's only miles above the Earth I can spend my free time reading, leadig to introspection, which leads to blogposts :).
A note on beauty in surroundings. I have come to respect and love New Haven much more after joining the Elm Street Cycling Arts and Ideas bike tours. The squalor and dangerousness of New Haven fades somewhat and I realize what a cool city I am in. Perhaps not the safest, but a very pretty city with history. It makes me think of the Decemberists song "Los Angeles, I'm Yours," in which they sing of all that is ugly and wrong in the city, but realizing in the end that they love the city nonetheless.
As far as openness, I am not entirely sure that I can air all my dirty laundry, with all my crushes, jealousies, and crushed hopes that my sinful little soul has experienced. I admire and aspire to your openness, and strive towards it.
So, this echoes a long-time question and excuse: "I'm too busy for a relationship" with or without the crushing addendum "anyway." But, at the same time, it is essentially the honesty with which we should all attempt to experience relationships. My former relationship did end because I no longer wanted to fit my relationship in to my life in the same quantity as I had before. My fear of simply trying to scale in back led to a perhaps then-Draconian response, total breakoff, but, as I have said and will say again, there were deeper problems I realize in hindsight that makes me ok with my actions.
But I don't know if I need object to your maxim of "Get Drunk, and see what happens." I mean, if you are dating someone in which you have an extremely fulfilling relationship, with the only caveat being that you are more slightly physically attracted to this jerk of a person, and you get drunk at a party and hook up with them, thereby destroying your otherwise fulfilling relationship, what does this mean? I feel like this is a good entry situation, but not good once you're there. Either way, though, does it not show a certain callousness for the feelings of others? If someone is really into you, and you're attracted to them, but not emotionally or in the same way, isn't it wrong to be physical and lead them on. I feel like that's what would happen if you were drunk. Or, to say, if I were drunk. But that's not right. Maybe I'm overthinking your maxim.
Because, really, shouldn't we live our lives by the "Be free, and see what happens" maxim? Why do we need alcohol? Or, ideally, shouldn't we not have alcohol. I guess that's what I mean. Hmmm. Tired. Perhaps more later, but must post and go to bed.
Hang in there.
Love,
Alan
I agree on the subject of technology. I diligently try to avoid iPods when I am walking someplace, as they are only serving the purpose of distracting us from boredom, which is nothing but the failure of our minds to find beauty in our surroundings. When jogging, I think the iPod is acceptable as there is a focus on physically exerting yourself and that already takes away somewhat from experiencing the surroundings. I still refuse to use an iPod when jogging with a friend, though.
I also find it interesting how enslaved we can become to the internets. While in an airport with wireless, I find myself easily squandering my time obsessing over my fantasy baseball team, on Facebook, or purusing the NYTimes (which is not as much of a waste, but still). It's only miles above the Earth I can spend my free time reading, leadig to introspection, which leads to blogposts :).
A note on beauty in surroundings. I have come to respect and love New Haven much more after joining the Elm Street Cycling Arts and Ideas bike tours. The squalor and dangerousness of New Haven fades somewhat and I realize what a cool city I am in. Perhaps not the safest, but a very pretty city with history. It makes me think of the Decemberists song "Los Angeles, I'm Yours," in which they sing of all that is ugly and wrong in the city, but realizing in the end that they love the city nonetheless.
As far as openness, I am not entirely sure that I can air all my dirty laundry, with all my crushes, jealousies, and crushed hopes that my sinful little soul has experienced. I admire and aspire to your openness, and strive towards it.
So, this echoes a long-time question and excuse: "I'm too busy for a relationship" with or without the crushing addendum "anyway." But, at the same time, it is essentially the honesty with which we should all attempt to experience relationships. My former relationship did end because I no longer wanted to fit my relationship in to my life in the same quantity as I had before. My fear of simply trying to scale in back led to a perhaps then-Draconian response, total breakoff, but, as I have said and will say again, there were deeper problems I realize in hindsight that makes me ok with my actions.
But I don't know if I need object to your maxim of "Get Drunk, and see what happens." I mean, if you are dating someone in which you have an extremely fulfilling relationship, with the only caveat being that you are more slightly physically attracted to this jerk of a person, and you get drunk at a party and hook up with them, thereby destroying your otherwise fulfilling relationship, what does this mean? I feel like this is a good entry situation, but not good once you're there. Either way, though, does it not show a certain callousness for the feelings of others? If someone is really into you, and you're attracted to them, but not emotionally or in the same way, isn't it wrong to be physical and lead them on. I feel like that's what would happen if you were drunk. Or, to say, if I were drunk. But that's not right. Maybe I'm overthinking your maxim.
Because, really, shouldn't we live our lives by the "Be free, and see what happens" maxim? Why do we need alcohol? Or, ideally, shouldn't we not have alcohol. I guess that's what I mean. Hmmm. Tired. Perhaps more later, but must post and go to bed.
Hang in there.
Love,
Alan
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tales of a Hot Stepsister
Dear Alan,
The day before I left for China, I couldn't help but realize how happy my stepsister, Heather, was. This shocked me: she's 22 years old, engaged to be married to a small-town southern hick, who is also so happy. She'll get married and live in that small town for the rest of her life. She'll work at the hospital where she just got a job as a nurse for the rest of her life. She won't travel, she won't experience the world, and she's very happy, much more consistently happy than I have ever been. But why?? It seemed to me counter-intuitive. How could anyone be that happy with that life? It seemed so lowly.
Then, I started thinking: maybe I have it all wrong. "WHAT?!," I thought to myself. "I've worked too long and too hard, done too much to be that wrong." But you know what, I think I am. I've spent my whole life doing what I thought one had to do to be happy, and she's spent her life just being happy. When I was younger, I thought I had to be the best and have the best to be happy. I thought I needed to be well-known and admired to be happy. She just lived, and she's so happy. These traits of mine have certainly calmed down, but they're still there, to some degree. I think I could really learn something from Heather and her soon-to-be husband. For all my education and opportunity, for all my thinking, they got it right, and I did not.
-cy
The day before I left for China, I couldn't help but realize how happy my stepsister, Heather, was. This shocked me: she's 22 years old, engaged to be married to a small-town southern hick, who is also so happy. She'll get married and live in that small town for the rest of her life. She'll work at the hospital where she just got a job as a nurse for the rest of her life. She won't travel, she won't experience the world, and she's very happy, much more consistently happy than I have ever been. But why?? It seemed to me counter-intuitive. How could anyone be that happy with that life? It seemed so lowly.
Then, I started thinking: maybe I have it all wrong. "WHAT?!," I thought to myself. "I've worked too long and too hard, done too much to be that wrong." But you know what, I think I am. I've spent my whole life doing what I thought one had to do to be happy, and she's spent her life just being happy. When I was younger, I thought I had to be the best and have the best to be happy. I thought I needed to be well-known and admired to be happy. She just lived, and she's so happy. These traits of mine have certainly calmed down, but they're still there, to some degree. I think I could really learn something from Heather and her soon-to-be husband. For all my education and opportunity, for all my thinking, they got it right, and I did not.
-cy
Monday, June 15, 2009
Calvin et al.
Dear Alan,
It's taken me a while to get back here. I'm sorry. I've been at my dad's place, and Internet is slow, time is short, and all-in-all, I wanted a break from technology. I find technology both liberating and enslaving, and have a love/hate relationship with computers, iPods, et cetera. On the one hand, it opens up knowledge and the world on an unprecedented level. On the other, it's second-hand (and artificial, superficial, and onward...) at best, and oftentimes tempts us away from first-hand, real, tangible experience. But this is not the subject of this post, so I won't dwell.
So, an abrupt change in subject: my openness. You find it curious, perhaps maybe excessive(?), but it's part and parcel who I am. As you know, I have no shame...actually, let's re-define that: I have no qualms opening myself up, and being honest about myself with myself and others. It's an attribute that I developed during my freshmen and sophomore years, and I firmly believe that it is the single greatest attribute that I developed in college. It's allowed me to experience an unprecedented level of personal and intellectual growth, and has permitted me to develop tons of strong, fulfilling relationships. In many ways, I am an open book, but I hope one that entices the Reader to read on.
I agree heartedly with your phoenix metaphor and definitely experience it in my life. I learn the most when I burn a bit, and I think it's safe to say that's a universal characteristic to our humanity. You once told me that we grow the most in our unhappiest moments. Oh yeah.
It's unfortunate: on the one hand, my intellect likes those moments when I'm most introspective, but those are when my emotions are most fragile and raw. My mind thrives when my heart suffers, so to speak. It seems like it's a trade-off, although I know that's certainly not true...actually, I don't know jack-shit (I'm 22 and have a long journey ahead of me before I know anything, really). I just hope that it's not true, because it seems unfortunate...but why? It's beautiful, in a sense. Those moments that we are our most emotionally fragile presents us with the opportunity to grow intellectually...and emotionally, for that matter. I suppose I might be thinking of the two are separate entities, but really, they're intricately interwoven. This issue is much more complex than a simple dichotomy, which is what I think I was trying to do. I guess that's the beauty with our personal growth: its complexity.
I do agree that impressing isn't a bad thing and that working towards something for someone(s) is a great feeling and highly rewarding. I guess what I was getting at was that I don't have anything that's really mine. Enter: the passion debate. I do things for other people, and they make me happy, but I wouldn't be as happy doing those things if they weren't for other people. I wouldn't just do them. It's not passionate.
I want a passion, just like you. I'm not sure if passions can be consciously found and nurtured, or if they just appear and are. I'm going to try developing a passion in China through music. If that doesn't work, maybe I'll come across one, something I do for me and me alone. Something I do, because I have to ("have to" in the most passionate sense - no sense of obligation, no sense of work...simply euphoria). I've never had that in my life. Like you, I want it badly.
Do you read "Calvin and Hobbes"? I love that strip. It brings me nothing but joy, a smile, and a good laugh. Calvin's passion is Life, and he doesn't think about it, consciously. He simply exists. I want to be him. Maybe one day I can be.
Also, question: if you get too busy for a relationship, but are happy, why does the desire for a relationship matter then? I say live in the spirit of "Get drunk, and see what happens." Do what you want, and if someone comes along that you want to date, then you'll fit it in. If you want it badly enough, then you'll fit it in, no problem.
I have more to write, but I leave for China...um, really soon. I'll write from Beijing.
As always, with love,
-cy
It's taken me a while to get back here. I'm sorry. I've been at my dad's place, and Internet is slow, time is short, and all-in-all, I wanted a break from technology. I find technology both liberating and enslaving, and have a love/hate relationship with computers, iPods, et cetera. On the one hand, it opens up knowledge and the world on an unprecedented level. On the other, it's second-hand (and artificial, superficial, and onward...) at best, and oftentimes tempts us away from first-hand, real, tangible experience. But this is not the subject of this post, so I won't dwell.
So, an abrupt change in subject: my openness. You find it curious, perhaps maybe excessive(?), but it's part and parcel who I am. As you know, I have no shame...actually, let's re-define that: I have no qualms opening myself up, and being honest about myself with myself and others. It's an attribute that I developed during my freshmen and sophomore years, and I firmly believe that it is the single greatest attribute that I developed in college. It's allowed me to experience an unprecedented level of personal and intellectual growth, and has permitted me to develop tons of strong, fulfilling relationships. In many ways, I am an open book, but I hope one that entices the Reader to read on.
I agree heartedly with your phoenix metaphor and definitely experience it in my life. I learn the most when I burn a bit, and I think it's safe to say that's a universal characteristic to our humanity. You once told me that we grow the most in our unhappiest moments. Oh yeah.
It's unfortunate: on the one hand, my intellect likes those moments when I'm most introspective, but those are when my emotions are most fragile and raw. My mind thrives when my heart suffers, so to speak. It seems like it's a trade-off, although I know that's certainly not true...actually, I don't know jack-shit (I'm 22 and have a long journey ahead of me before I know anything, really). I just hope that it's not true, because it seems unfortunate...but why? It's beautiful, in a sense. Those moments that we are our most emotionally fragile presents us with the opportunity to grow intellectually...and emotionally, for that matter. I suppose I might be thinking of the two are separate entities, but really, they're intricately interwoven. This issue is much more complex than a simple dichotomy, which is what I think I was trying to do. I guess that's the beauty with our personal growth: its complexity.
I do agree that impressing isn't a bad thing and that working towards something for someone(s) is a great feeling and highly rewarding. I guess what I was getting at was that I don't have anything that's really mine. Enter: the passion debate. I do things for other people, and they make me happy, but I wouldn't be as happy doing those things if they weren't for other people. I wouldn't just do them. It's not passionate.
I want a passion, just like you. I'm not sure if passions can be consciously found and nurtured, or if they just appear and are. I'm going to try developing a passion in China through music. If that doesn't work, maybe I'll come across one, something I do for me and me alone. Something I do, because I have to ("have to" in the most passionate sense - no sense of obligation, no sense of work...simply euphoria). I've never had that in my life. Like you, I want it badly.
Do you read "Calvin and Hobbes"? I love that strip. It brings me nothing but joy, a smile, and a good laugh. Calvin's passion is Life, and he doesn't think about it, consciously. He simply exists. I want to be him. Maybe one day I can be.
Also, question: if you get too busy for a relationship, but are happy, why does the desire for a relationship matter then? I say live in the spirit of "Get drunk, and see what happens." Do what you want, and if someone comes along that you want to date, then you'll fit it in. If you want it badly enough, then you'll fit it in, no problem.
I have more to write, but I leave for China...um, really soon. I'll write from Beijing.
As always, with love,
-cy
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
In Search of Time To Be Discovered (or Rememberance of Things Ahead)
Dear Chris,
I find it interesting that you are OK speaking of such things so openly on this blog. While I know our readership is non-existent (and I think it would be nice if it stayed that way for a bit longer, honestly, although I'm not sure why), I am still surprised that you would be willing to let the world know such personal things.
It's funny, because I never worried that I wasn't enough, perhaps simply because I knew I wasn't. In fact, towards the end I guess it was the opposite way around...I don't like admitting that, not for me, but for her. In any case, I think I am more driven to do things outside of relationships, as much for improving myself as impressing others.
When I think of immersing myself in a host of activities, I don't necessarily think of doing it to cover up any faults. I don't see it as a blue tarp duct taped over the hole in my side door car window. Instead, I see it as an entirely new window, not just a cover. When I think of immersing myself in things, it is to make me a better person. A little bit to make me a more interesting person, but I think most importantly to make myself a more passionate person.
As our past conversations have detailed, this issue of passion has been plaguing me since, well, since Equus. Sometimes I feel a strong sympathy with the psychiatrist, as I assume Peter Shaffer wanted us all to. So here I am, a machine of a scholar, doing school, which I know and which I love, but at times I feel it is all that I do. Which doesn't give me that much depth as a person. I mean, being able to do, and doing, both science and humanities, is depth, but it's not particularly interesting. It doesn't really make you stand out in a crowd, or an interview, or a bar. But being able to talk about Kung Fu, or Capoeira, or even some of the volunteer work I'm looking into this summer, that's something you can talk about. Will it become passion? I hope so.
So maybe the contrast between deep growth and superficiality isn't actually that sharp, at least in this case. Perhaps it's that I just don't feel as panicked as your tale seems to indicate you were. I see my exploration of other things as a long progressive trek to figuring out what I want out of life and what life wants out of me.
As for impressing the fairer sex, I vacillate wildly between confidence that someone will like me for who I am or not at all and the knowledge that I can be bigger, better, faster, more interesting, and more impassioned than I currently am. Obviously the former attitude is favored, but sometimes I worry. So far my four days in BHouse have led to a sense of calm in this department, as I focus on these other things and pure camaraderie with my housemates.
I am interested in your comment about relationships making you self-destructive. I know you meant it in the case of dissecting every potential misstep rendering you an impotent wreck (hopefully not literally). But I think, no matter what the reasons, what you managed to accomplish in order to impress a boy, is more impressive than you could have ever imagined, and allowed you to take advantage of life in more ways than you ever could have otherwise.
I know there's a natural avoidance of corny phoenix references, but the thing is they're rather poignant. You do have to burn a little to be reborn. Nietzsche makes a big point of it. I know personally not getting Section Leader was good in the long run because it was this type of burning that I needed to grow in new directions, or even just to make me that much more fireproof.
Part of me fears that I will render myself too busy too actually have a relationship, but these things have a way of working themselves out, so I'm not going to worry too horribly much.
So, a word on this loneliness, as Joe mutters to himself next to me about dimensions of his Drop Team business. In high school, I buried my loneliness with schoolwork. But schoolwork wasn't really an adequate replacement: the goal of schoolwork was that I was working towards a greater end, which was a chance to escape my lonely surroundings and start anew at Yale. So that kind sublimation doesn't really work.
What really is necessary is a self-sustaining lifestyle that has no escapist goal in mind. No light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing that is worked towards. I think having that kind of life is really the only way to escape loneliness.
But then again, running from loneliness perhaps is one of the greatest things we can do to make us into better people. I think of a book I have heard of recently but have not had the chance to read yet: "How Proust Can Change Your Life." A link leads to a brief summary, which sounds quite enticing:
http://librarylink.regent.edu/?p=149
Perhaps I will read this book. So much to do this summer.
I might have a counter-post soon, or I might just go to bed. I'm a working man now.
Love,
Alan
I find it interesting that you are OK speaking of such things so openly on this blog. While I know our readership is non-existent (and I think it would be nice if it stayed that way for a bit longer, honestly, although I'm not sure why), I am still surprised that you would be willing to let the world know such personal things.
It's funny, because I never worried that I wasn't enough, perhaps simply because I knew I wasn't. In fact, towards the end I guess it was the opposite way around...I don't like admitting that, not for me, but for her. In any case, I think I am more driven to do things outside of relationships, as much for improving myself as impressing others.
When I think of immersing myself in a host of activities, I don't necessarily think of doing it to cover up any faults. I don't see it as a blue tarp duct taped over the hole in my side door car window. Instead, I see it as an entirely new window, not just a cover. When I think of immersing myself in things, it is to make me a better person. A little bit to make me a more interesting person, but I think most importantly to make myself a more passionate person.
As our past conversations have detailed, this issue of passion has been plaguing me since, well, since Equus. Sometimes I feel a strong sympathy with the psychiatrist, as I assume Peter Shaffer wanted us all to. So here I am, a machine of a scholar, doing school, which I know and which I love, but at times I feel it is all that I do. Which doesn't give me that much depth as a person. I mean, being able to do, and doing, both science and humanities, is depth, but it's not particularly interesting. It doesn't really make you stand out in a crowd, or an interview, or a bar. But being able to talk about Kung Fu, or Capoeira, or even some of the volunteer work I'm looking into this summer, that's something you can talk about. Will it become passion? I hope so.
So maybe the contrast between deep growth and superficiality isn't actually that sharp, at least in this case. Perhaps it's that I just don't feel as panicked as your tale seems to indicate you were. I see my exploration of other things as a long progressive trek to figuring out what I want out of life and what life wants out of me.
As for impressing the fairer sex, I vacillate wildly between confidence that someone will like me for who I am or not at all and the knowledge that I can be bigger, better, faster, more interesting, and more impassioned than I currently am. Obviously the former attitude is favored, but sometimes I worry. So far my four days in BHouse have led to a sense of calm in this department, as I focus on these other things and pure camaraderie with my housemates.
I am interested in your comment about relationships making you self-destructive. I know you meant it in the case of dissecting every potential misstep rendering you an impotent wreck (hopefully not literally). But I think, no matter what the reasons, what you managed to accomplish in order to impress a boy, is more impressive than you could have ever imagined, and allowed you to take advantage of life in more ways than you ever could have otherwise.
I know there's a natural avoidance of corny phoenix references, but the thing is they're rather poignant. You do have to burn a little to be reborn. Nietzsche makes a big point of it. I know personally not getting Section Leader was good in the long run because it was this type of burning that I needed to grow in new directions, or even just to make me that much more fireproof.
Part of me fears that I will render myself too busy too actually have a relationship, but these things have a way of working themselves out, so I'm not going to worry too horribly much.
So, a word on this loneliness, as Joe mutters to himself next to me about dimensions of his Drop Team business. In high school, I buried my loneliness with schoolwork. But schoolwork wasn't really an adequate replacement: the goal of schoolwork was that I was working towards a greater end, which was a chance to escape my lonely surroundings and start anew at Yale. So that kind sublimation doesn't really work.
What really is necessary is a self-sustaining lifestyle that has no escapist goal in mind. No light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing that is worked towards. I think having that kind of life is really the only way to escape loneliness.
But then again, running from loneliness perhaps is one of the greatest things we can do to make us into better people. I think of a book I have heard of recently but have not had the chance to read yet: "How Proust Can Change Your Life." A link leads to a brief summary, which sounds quite enticing:
http://librarylink.regent.edu/?p=149
Perhaps I will read this book. So much to do this summer.
I might have a counter-post soon, or I might just go to bed. I'm a working man now.
Love,
Alan
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Silencing my Lambs
Dear Alan,
I'm back, and I'm black...well, kinda. My aunt (read: mom's sis) is in the process of filling in our family tree. It seems that we would in fact qualify as African-American under the "one drop" rule (we're thinking either maternal grandfather's grandparent or great grandparent was black). Yeah, it's far removed, but interesting nonetheless.
In regards to your earlier post, I certainly felt similarly at various pointed in my time at Yale, although your sentiments seem much more constant and conscious to you than mine were to me...save when I was dating/in the process of pursuing someone. Example: many of the things that I accomplished while in my relationship with Elliot (attempting to run a marathon, beginning to work out regularly, deciding to pursue "Equus," enrolling in Monkey Lab), I did to impress him. I'm so embarrassed to admit it (and I think it takes a good deal to embarrass me at this point), but it's fact. I was scared that I wasn't enough for him, that I had to somehow make myself enough. It was the same way with Scott. It's a big problem, and I'd say the biggest hurdle that I'm currently facing.
I've thought about the Fall 2008 a lot this past semester. What happened to me? I can explain some things: the unhappiness and disappointment that tarnished many of my friendships, the jealously that almost destroyed my relationship with Rebecca...that semester was a dark time in my life, but I can honestly say that I'm stronger for it.
However, the one thing that I still haven't figured out is the incredible paranoia that consumes me when I'm in a relationship: I don't feel good enough to be with him, whoever him might be. I'm always (read: always) looking for justification from him that I am good enough. I freak out over the smallest things (most prominent example: no response to an email or a text = he doesn't like me, I've messed it up, etc). It's bad, and it sucks, and it's still a mystery to me.
I don't know why I feel like this. Maybe it was a Yale phenomenon, maybe my insecurities about being at Yale translated into my relationships in this unhealthy and self-destructive way. Unfortunately, I have no relationship experience outside of Yale to which I can compare. Perhaps one day, God willing.
On the other hand, this paranoia hasn't been all bad: it's led to me achieving some of my most proudest accomplishments (read: "Equus"), which I would not have pursued with it as a catalyst...which is rather sad. I'd wanted to direct "Equus" since high school, but I'd never had the desire to pursue it, until I wanted to impress a boy. WTF. I must want a relationship more badly than even I understand. Perhaps, deep down, I am really lonely, regardless of the number and strength of my friendships. Perhaps, even though I've mostly been alone, I don't know how to be alone at all. But I also don't know how to not be alone. Curiouser and curiouser.
Hmmm, this was another rant, wasn't it?...oh well. I guess I have some lambs in my life, screaming. Maybe one day they'll be silenced, but that won't be today.
Also, I've determined that we can't in fact receive e-mail notifications when one of us posts to our blog. We just have to remember to check our Blogger dashboard at least once every day or two.
*kisses*
-cy
I'm back, and I'm black...well, kinda. My aunt (read: mom's sis) is in the process of filling in our family tree. It seems that we would in fact qualify as African-American under the "one drop" rule (we're thinking either maternal grandfather's grandparent or great grandparent was black). Yeah, it's far removed, but interesting nonetheless.
In regards to your earlier post, I certainly felt similarly at various pointed in my time at Yale, although your sentiments seem much more constant and conscious to you than mine were to me...save when I was dating/in the process of pursuing someone. Example: many of the things that I accomplished while in my relationship with Elliot (attempting to run a marathon, beginning to work out regularly, deciding to pursue "Equus," enrolling in Monkey Lab), I did to impress him. I'm so embarrassed to admit it (and I think it takes a good deal to embarrass me at this point), but it's fact. I was scared that I wasn't enough for him, that I had to somehow make myself enough. It was the same way with Scott. It's a big problem, and I'd say the biggest hurdle that I'm currently facing.
I've thought about the Fall 2008 a lot this past semester. What happened to me? I can explain some things: the unhappiness and disappointment that tarnished many of my friendships, the jealously that almost destroyed my relationship with Rebecca...that semester was a dark time in my life, but I can honestly say that I'm stronger for it.
However, the one thing that I still haven't figured out is the incredible paranoia that consumes me when I'm in a relationship: I don't feel good enough to be with him, whoever him might be. I'm always (read: always) looking for justification from him that I am good enough. I freak out over the smallest things (most prominent example: no response to an email or a text = he doesn't like me, I've messed it up, etc). It's bad, and it sucks, and it's still a mystery to me.
I don't know why I feel like this. Maybe it was a Yale phenomenon, maybe my insecurities about being at Yale translated into my relationships in this unhealthy and self-destructive way. Unfortunately, I have no relationship experience outside of Yale to which I can compare. Perhaps one day, God willing.
On the other hand, this paranoia hasn't been all bad: it's led to me achieving some of my most proudest accomplishments (read: "Equus"), which I would not have pursued with it as a catalyst...which is rather sad. I'd wanted to direct "Equus" since high school, but I'd never had the desire to pursue it, until I wanted to impress a boy. WTF. I must want a relationship more badly than even I understand. Perhaps, deep down, I am really lonely, regardless of the number and strength of my friendships. Perhaps, even though I've mostly been alone, I don't know how to be alone at all. But I also don't know how to not be alone. Curiouser and curiouser.
Hmmm, this was another rant, wasn't it?...oh well. I guess I have some lambs in my life, screaming. Maybe one day they'll be silenced, but that won't be today.
Also, I've determined that we can't in fact receive e-mail notifications when one of us posts to our blog. We just have to remember to check our Blogger dashboard at least once every day or two.
*kisses*
-cy
To Do And To Know
Dear Alan,
I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to respond to your post. I had not realized that you had posted. There must be some sort of automatic notification system...I'll explore further...or maybe I'll keep saying I'll explore further and never actually get around to it. I say lots of things that never come to fruition. I suppose we all do, but it doesn't make it bother me any less. We do it to be PC, to get on with our neighbor, to be polite...but wouldn't it be better to just be honest? I feel like that would solve a lot of the world's problems, if we just said upfront exactly what we were and were not going to do, how something was going to go down. We we be better off for it, methinks. Then again, what do I know? Essentially, I only know school. It's all I've done. Oh yeah, I've done this and that over the summer...but really, I've done jack shit. My summer experiences were short-lived and limited in scope. It's why I'm OK with graduation. There's much more for me to see and do, much more to experience. That way, hopefully, one day, I can know.
Hmmm, there's more to say (like, actually address your post), but I have errands to do right now. This is a task for tonight, and I will get around to it.
Yours,
-cy
I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to respond to your post. I had not realized that you had posted. There must be some sort of automatic notification system...I'll explore further...or maybe I'll keep saying I'll explore further and never actually get around to it. I say lots of things that never come to fruition. I suppose we all do, but it doesn't make it bother me any less. We do it to be PC, to get on with our neighbor, to be polite...but wouldn't it be better to just be honest? I feel like that would solve a lot of the world's problems, if we just said upfront exactly what we were and were not going to do, how something was going to go down. We we be better off for it, methinks. Then again, what do I know? Essentially, I only know school. It's all I've done. Oh yeah, I've done this and that over the summer...but really, I've done jack shit. My summer experiences were short-lived and limited in scope. It's why I'm OK with graduation. There's much more for me to see and do, much more to experience. That way, hopefully, one day, I can know.
Hmmm, there's more to say (like, actually address your post), but I have errands to do right now. This is a task for tonight, and I will get around to it.
Yours,
-cy
Monday, June 1, 2009
That voodoo that I hope to do
Dear Chris,
Halfway done. That is a terrifying thought. Not relieving, but terrifying. Perhaps it's because the future is so open. Perhaps it's because there is so much room for going down the wrong path. Even though I know there is no wrong path. Hmmm...
What is it I want to do? Everything. Now, I know this is not a practical choice, but it is the honest and truthful one. The problem at Yale is that there is the opportunity to do everything, which can lead a person to reaction as a shark does to a school of fish darting in every which direction... that is, nothing.
Have you ever listened to "This American Life" on NPR? If you haven't, I can't imagine you will have much chance to for the next two years. Regardless, Ira Glass just finds interesting stories and explores them. Not even as a prime-time ratings-greedy search for sensationalist stories that plagues standard TV. He just finds interesting stories. He spent an entire hour doing stories found from one day in the Chicago classifieds in a Monday newspaper. That sounds fascinating to me. To just get an insight into the private lives of others, even so simple looks, touches me deeply. I think it would be cool to experience that first-hand.
But the world is a huge place! I can just as easily see myself researching quantum effects in biological systems. My dad sent me an article which is currently open as a tab on my Firefox window about just that. I can see myself chasing random scientific questions across the limits of reason solely for the sheer intellectual joy of it.
The problem is that, of course, time is finite. To mix all these things together, though, I feel, is the goal of my life. To have the ability to be extremely focused yet incredibly diverse. The problem with such a constructed, goal-oriented life, even if that goal is just action (a la ubermensch) is that it might not leave a lot of time for reflection or just chilling. It wouldn't leave a lot of time for writing in a blog.
The problem I always seem to face when looking back on these last two years is that I can't help but thinking that I could have done my freshman year much much better. I really explored nothing, instead immersing myself in DS, which was immensely rewarding, and a relationship that probably wasn't the healthiest for either of us and ended on increasingly poor terms. Of course, the de facto argument is that without those experiences, I would not have had the tremendous sophomore year that I did in fact have and had the same relationships with people that I had. And that is the saving grace of the whole situation. But even for all I accomplished in my sophomore year, I know of others who accomplished twice as much.
Now, by accomplish, I'm not quite sure what I mean. Maybe it's that I mean explore all that Yale has to offer. Actually that is exactly what I mean. But it's an interesting divide.
The reason because I think the most important aspect of Yale, excluding the goal-oriented view that going to Yale will set up the right network that will land you a cushy political job, is the people. I can do all the academic learning I can do here elsewhere. What I can't necessarily get elsewhere are the people who are as intellectual, thoughtful, and quirky as I am. That is why I'm here.
So, it would make sense, obviously, to spend all your time with these people. The problem that emerges here is two-fold. 1) How do you find these people and become close enough to them that they really make a difference in your life and you in theirs, and 2) You are not in a vacuum with nothing else to do than build friendships, so how do you balance those two?
Ignoring these questions, it is true I am not here simply to meet other people, as interesting as they may be. I'm here, to borrow some parallel structure, to meet myself. Of course I disavow this statement as soon as I say it, because I am constantly evolving. As a position function, perhaps my third or fourth derivative is a constant, but I highly doubt even that.
The point though is that I have only two years to take advantage of all the opportunities with which Yale has presented me. And I will invariably fail at exploring all these opportunities. But I will explore them, and maybe that alone is the point.
My dad tells me that medical school is where you learn the Why behind medicine, while residency is where you learn the How. I have likewise heard that the goal of a liberal arts education is How to think.
So is the goal here to taste as many things here as possible, refusing to get tied down so you can explore every facet of existence, slowly whittling down choices until you actually know what it is you like and can delve into that more deeply outside of college?
But the ideal would be to delve deeply and taste everything at the same time. This is simply not possible. Unfortunately. So I return to the same predicament. Perhaps I am going in circles now.
The balance here is between exploring academics (my plans are relatively ambitious from a grade standpoint (M.D.-Ph.D), exploring my friends (no, not like that... necessarily), and exploring Yale and myself. I hope to find this balance. That is the voodoo that I hope to do.
Always (whatever that means),
Alan
Halfway done. That is a terrifying thought. Not relieving, but terrifying. Perhaps it's because the future is so open. Perhaps it's because there is so much room for going down the wrong path. Even though I know there is no wrong path. Hmmm...
What is it I want to do? Everything. Now, I know this is not a practical choice, but it is the honest and truthful one. The problem at Yale is that there is the opportunity to do everything, which can lead a person to reaction as a shark does to a school of fish darting in every which direction... that is, nothing.
Have you ever listened to "This American Life" on NPR? If you haven't, I can't imagine you will have much chance to for the next two years. Regardless, Ira Glass just finds interesting stories and explores them. Not even as a prime-time ratings-greedy search for sensationalist stories that plagues standard TV. He just finds interesting stories. He spent an entire hour doing stories found from one day in the Chicago classifieds in a Monday newspaper. That sounds fascinating to me. To just get an insight into the private lives of others, even so simple looks, touches me deeply. I think it would be cool to experience that first-hand.
But the world is a huge place! I can just as easily see myself researching quantum effects in biological systems. My dad sent me an article which is currently open as a tab on my Firefox window about just that. I can see myself chasing random scientific questions across the limits of reason solely for the sheer intellectual joy of it.
The problem is that, of course, time is finite. To mix all these things together, though, I feel, is the goal of my life. To have the ability to be extremely focused yet incredibly diverse. The problem with such a constructed, goal-oriented life, even if that goal is just action (a la ubermensch) is that it might not leave a lot of time for reflection or just chilling. It wouldn't leave a lot of time for writing in a blog.
The problem I always seem to face when looking back on these last two years is that I can't help but thinking that I could have done my freshman year much much better. I really explored nothing, instead immersing myself in DS, which was immensely rewarding, and a relationship that probably wasn't the healthiest for either of us and ended on increasingly poor terms. Of course, the de facto argument is that without those experiences, I would not have had the tremendous sophomore year that I did in fact have and had the same relationships with people that I had. And that is the saving grace of the whole situation. But even for all I accomplished in my sophomore year, I know of others who accomplished twice as much.
Now, by accomplish, I'm not quite sure what I mean. Maybe it's that I mean explore all that Yale has to offer. Actually that is exactly what I mean. But it's an interesting divide.
The reason because I think the most important aspect of Yale, excluding the goal-oriented view that going to Yale will set up the right network that will land you a cushy political job, is the people. I can do all the academic learning I can do here elsewhere. What I can't necessarily get elsewhere are the people who are as intellectual, thoughtful, and quirky as I am. That is why I'm here.
So, it would make sense, obviously, to spend all your time with these people. The problem that emerges here is two-fold. 1) How do you find these people and become close enough to them that they really make a difference in your life and you in theirs, and 2) You are not in a vacuum with nothing else to do than build friendships, so how do you balance those two?
Ignoring these questions, it is true I am not here simply to meet other people, as interesting as they may be. I'm here, to borrow some parallel structure, to meet myself. Of course I disavow this statement as soon as I say it, because I am constantly evolving. As a position function, perhaps my third or fourth derivative is a constant, but I highly doubt even that.
The point though is that I have only two years to take advantage of all the opportunities with which Yale has presented me. And I will invariably fail at exploring all these opportunities. But I will explore them, and maybe that alone is the point.
My dad tells me that medical school is where you learn the Why behind medicine, while residency is where you learn the How. I have likewise heard that the goal of a liberal arts education is How to think.
So is the goal here to taste as many things here as possible, refusing to get tied down so you can explore every facet of existence, slowly whittling down choices until you actually know what it is you like and can delve into that more deeply outside of college?
But the ideal would be to delve deeply and taste everything at the same time. This is simply not possible. Unfortunately. So I return to the same predicament. Perhaps I am going in circles now.
The balance here is between exploring academics (my plans are relatively ambitious from a grade standpoint (M.D.-Ph.D), exploring my friends (no, not like that... necessarily), and exploring Yale and myself. I hope to find this balance. That is the voodoo that I hope to do.
Always (whatever that means),
Alan
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